Chicago Banana

Personal musings of female residing at times in the greater Chicago area.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Fear

I just realized that I am scared of people who have hurt me.

Most readily this arises in my roommate, whom I have groused about before on the blog. I asked her roommate from last year to talk sometime, mostly cause I just want to understand better; deep inside I want to know that everything that went wrong this year doesn't make me a bad person, or an unliveable roommate, or a person uncapable to love correctly. The other roommate agreed to talk about last year but said she wants to talk to our roommate first to make sure it is okay with her. And even while I consented to that I froze up. I am terrified of that. And I am not sure why. Physically I can deck my roommate (I am taller, heavier, stronger, and faster), and I don't think she is low enough to harm the part of the room she still lets me live in, or any of the stuff I have in it.

But I'm still scared. I am not even sure how she could hurt me more, but I fear.

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